What's the Word?

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

Things are just really not going the way I’d like them too.

And it’s all really unfair because I had just thought to myself how good of a job I was doing with handling all aspects of my life.

Dude. I’m depressed. And think I’ll be out of meds for a month or so. And I can’t get anyone to tell me they don’t want me to my face. Or to a phone. With their voice.

I just want to know what having someone committed to you feels like. No matter what’s going on in your life or their life. To just treasure the fact that there are so many horrible things in life and what a special and great thing it is to have friends and ultimately to feel intimacy with someone.

I believe it so much. And I know it exists and I know I work hard to get it and it’s just always a failure. I’m most upset at how hard I try, and how conscious I try to be, and still end up backtracking.

I feel incredibly lonely because I’m making myself incredibly lonely and reverting back into my protective inner shell and its terrible but man. I’m a human. I’m supposed to be upset and this all isn’t normal.

When I told you of all the previous people. How the last person I had feelings it would last with broke up with me via text message and I left his present I had been working super hard on to make in the snow for him to pick up, you were appalled.

And all I said was, you’d be surprised and that I’ll believe that you wouldn’t ever do something like that if and when it happens.

I think by the time he realizes he should call me or talk to me or say anything at all it’ll all just be too late.

I won’t even get to know if he thinks about me so much.

He says he doesn’t. And I call bullshit. Because he’s going to have a bad day, or a crazy idea, or some philosophical fight to have about his political views, and he’s going to think about how easy and fun and great it was to have me there.

And it won’t matter.

brightlightsloudnoises

the average love affair

brightlightsloudnoises

it’s been tough between us,
probably more
unfair
than the average
love affair

and that’s unfortunate
but not unbearable

and to be honest
it’s mostly your
fault

you can’t make
your mind up
over
anything
and it’s
hard to
deal with someone
like that.

the joy you bring me
is inconvenient
and

i’ll light
a cigar
and lean back
in my chair,
feet on
my wide
and empty desk

when your
heart
finally
tugs
at my sleeve.

Because I still haven’t found a therapist here yet, and know better than stewing in my own head and making things worse. 


You don’t get to be upset when I tell you that being friends means that I disengage and limit how much thought and effort I put into seeing you. 

You have feelings for me, and now you’re upset you're “losing me”, but you also don’t want to be in a relationship of any kind, keep telling me our expectations are different, ALREADY FUCKED OTHER PEOPLE, and have already admitted the situation isn’t fair to me. 


So either, you have feelings beyond a friendship for me, and you make compromises like I have been making to keep him in my life, 

or, it seems like you don’t want to make any of those sacrifices


so you don’t get to be frustrated and upset with me when I say, if you don’t care enough, I’m not trying anymore. 


Also, its not like he doesn’t have a whole list of other girls he can casually fuck and talk to so whats the big deal really? 


Like, either you have feelings and you do something about it, 

or you have feelings and leave me the fuck alone. 


Because I have feelings for him and have been doing something about it, 

but now I have feelings and decided maybe its best I leave him the fuck alone. 


But yeah, I’m the confusing one who’s making this all difficult and being high maintenance. 


I’m still incredibly sad, but turning sadness into anger just makes me feel better. 

There will never be a time where I’m home for more than a couple of days and do not get angry at a family member for trying to “help” me by making me feel like I can’t do anything by myself.

I now have a car. That is mine. Under my name. I’ve had my license for three years. I am 22 years old. I have anxiety.

I have been having the same fight for at least 10 years now.

I know enough to make my own decisions. I know to ask for help. I need to make my own mistakes and learn on my own. I don’t need to be treated like a young child who doesn’t know yet and needs constant oversight.

My dad is the only one who let’s me do my thing and honestly believes in me. He trusts me to make the right decision and makes sure I feel validated.

It’s not okay to treat your adult children like they are some helpless child who can’t be left alone.

Thank goodness I have yet another year at least away from home. There’s no way I’m ever living at home. Or in nyc. I just want my space and I don’t need anyone telling me what they think of my appearance. Or my lifestyle. Or “looking” out for me constantly. Or telling at me every second I slouch or pick at something.

Seriously. It Fucking hurts and instead of me feeling loved and protected like they think they are, I just feel angry and upset.

npr
npr: “The music industry veteran, former manager of the RZA, the GZA and ODB, as well as D'Angelo, Raphael Saadiq and A Tribe Called Quest, met up with Microphone Check in LA, where she told us what Wu-Tang taught her and how she thinks of her role:...
npr

The music industry veteran, former manager of the RZA, the GZA and ODB, as well as D'Angelo, Raphael Saadiq and A Tribe Called Quest, met up with Microphone Check in LA, where she told us what Wu-Tang taught her and how she thinks of her role: “I’m a manager. I am in the service industry. The service industry. I’m Midas f****** Muffler.”

Sophia Chang: ‘Don’t Ever Be Afraid Of Your Passion’

Photo: GL Askew II for NPR

Source: NPR

we went on an amazing trip to Maine, and finally had “the talk” about what happens when I leave. 


We both were able to just speak honestly and put everything out on the table. 


the short story is, he DOES have feelings for me, but to make any kind of decision right now doesn’t make sense where we are in life. And I guess I agree. 


We actually had to kind of say bye today


And i was fine with it, and then he said something like, oh well our nice dynamic we had here is over. 


And I cried. Which, I didn’t think I would cry. But all I could think of was that I’m just going to be another one of his “friends” he has all over the place that he has some history with and still talks to. 


When I told him this, he said that its not that simple. and that I mean a lot to him, and that he hopes it does work out. 


thats good right? I really want to believe thats true. That like he wants to at least try to make it work ( as friends) and see where we end up in life and if that works for the both of us. 


I’m just so used to endings being abrupt and terrible and hurtful. 


This one was just bittersweet and sad because we both know that at a different time this would have been an actual relationship. 


humph. 


oh.

I graduate tom.