Can’t Wait
Til I finish this last piece of artwork.
It’s all about emotional disconnect.
That’s what has been bothering me so much lately.
Like when my dad told me last night that he was going to get trained to be an electrician so that he can try and find work that way so he can have some kind of pension when he retires. I’m happy he’s found something else to make money. Something more stable. I’m happy for him, I really am.
But I’m also so heart broken. Because I know how much work he has put into his businesses, and how he’s never quite gotten the success he had hoped for. How beautiful his store is, and how much time he spends there. How much my dad loves being his own boss, and not working under anyone. I know that my dad wants to feel the success of hard work. To show for all that he has done. To have some of his idealism be realized. Though I wanted to be supportive and happy for him, which I was outwardly, my heart was sinking on the inside.
That happens often, where I can’t really be outward with what I truly feel. Well, that i choose to just let things slide, or keep up a persona. Or be the person someone needs at the moment.
I dont find that many people are capable of handling truths. My truths. I try and spit out honestly when I can’t handle upkeeping appearances. I don’t ever find it comforting. I dont ever tell the right person, or say things at the right time. I dont ever find that anyone understands. So i dont find it necessary to ever say what’s on my mind.
I’d rather stay somehow independent, lost in my thoughts. I don’t go on as many adventures as i’d like. So I’ll spend my time hopping from one thought to the next. Like my hatred for dim lighting. How long it takes my eyes to adjust, and that nothing looks good in dim light. How american, and different the family sitting across from us was. How i wish technology would bring people together in different ways. How that guy was shoving his temple run score in his moms face on his ipad over dinner. How i love when my family gets together for a bit to just laugh because we all just work so gosh darn hard. How different my childhood was from my sister’s. How I sometimes wish I could switch with her, even if that means losing all creativity. How I feel so burdened by the things I cannot control. Mainly, myself, because I am best at sabotaging myself. How this battle will be daily for the rest of my life. How long i’ll have to wait until i can finally get my hair cut professionally. How no one ever notices. How easy it is to hide. I think I’d like to find someone who will notice. Who won’t let me stay so buried in my own mind. Who would be able to handle all the things i can spit out. I can’t wait until I find some companionship and foundation. But mainly the foundation, and solidity. Comfort. How for the first time in my life I got an apology. A short apology. But at least i have value of some kind.
I still hate how much i have to rely on myself. The correct emotion is disappointment. I’m disappointed.
Telepathy. That’s what’s needed. Telepathy.
